Basic Self Care for Parents

I’ll never forget the day when my friend came home from therapy and told me what her therapist said to her: “You are not your to-do list.”

It turns out my friend placed so much value on her ability to check things off her to-do list and be productive throughout the day that she forgot about her own self-worth beyond that stack of checkboxes.

Her therapist emphasized the fact that her self-worth is not reliant on the number of things she was able to get done in a day.

This stuck with me since then, because it made me realize I have the same issue: I feel great about myself when I’m productive, and I downright hate myself when I’m not.

I first heard this nugget of wisdom in my mid-twenties when I struggled with this hardcore. Now, in my mid-thirties, I get glimpses of this trait rearing its ugly head. But in the wisdom that your thirties brings, I’m able to take it easier on myself now. At least I’d like to think so.

Especially when I consider everything I’ve been through in the past two to three years.

All change is stressful

These past few years have been eventful, to say the least. I’ll give you a glimpse into what I dealt with, not for sympathy, but for a realistic frame of reference:

Got married to Chris. Yay!
Yearlong debilitating postpartum illness. Again.
Sold a house. Bought a house. And moved twice (long story).
Continuing to learn how to co-parent with my older son’s father.
Change of career. Like a complete 180.
I lost the use of my hands because of a physical manifestation of all the stress.
I turned my lifestyle and diet on its head several times in order to reduce the damage my body was doing to itself.

They say that all change, whether good or bad, is stressful. So I mean, that’s a lot of stress.

Oh—and during all of this? I also decided to sign up for business coaching, launch a YouTube channel, go full-time freelance and run my own business, take care of my two kids with my husband during Covid, take on a full-time contract writing position, sign up for a manifestation class, sign up for a writing class, sign up for design coaching, sign up for another business class, sell a passion project (bye-bye, Lettering League)… need I go on?

To top it off, I haven’t slept well in about 3 years. Are we surprised about this? No. But it still really sucks.

I got a medical card in order to help deal with the stress, anxiety, and inevitable insomnia I faced. The issue date was 4/20—no joke—so the natural remedy felt kismet, to say the least.

But that, too, turned out to be a huge mistake. It robbed me of myself: I lost focus, clarity, and motivation, even though I only used a small amount in the middle of the night to help me get back to sleep.

Once I realized the negative effect it had on me, I quit for good. That was four weeks ago.

According to addiction experts, it takes two weeks for your body to regulate its dopamine response after peeling yourself away from an addictive chemical or behavior. According to them, you should start to see the light again after four weeks.

So here I am, waiting for my motivation to return. Trying not to judge myself based on the fact that I haven’t gotten anything meaningful done for my own business in months.

Though I am sitting here writing this, so that’s something!

Is it a season or a new standard?

When I let people in for a sneak peek into what I’m going through, I call it “low productivity.”

Acquaintances and online friends call it “a season.”

Closer friends knit their eyebrows together and say, “Yeah, but you’re going through A LOT right now.”

Both are true and not true at the same time. I’m doing a lot, raising my two kids with halftime school and childcare, with my full-time contract job and running a household.

But to my standards—whether healthy or not—I’m not doing a lot at all.

So, that was the very long introduction of this topic to talk about what I’m doing as a busy wife, mom, employee, and business owner/content creator in this season of “low productivity” in order to support recovery from a bonkers few years with self-care.

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Finding time for basic habits

There are a few things I value deeply that I consider basic habits. Before kids, I had my hourlong miracle morning routine down, which included:

meditation
exercise
writing or journaling
reading
affirmations and visualizations (though I quickly ditched those, to be honest)

These went out the window after my second son was born. His 4 am wake-up habit caused us to say goodbye to our slow morning routine.

Chris and I both felt the absence of our self-care routines. After we realized what was going on through the haze of raising an infant, we made an effort to change it.

Parents: it’s crucial to carve out time for self-care.

Tell that to a parent of a newborn and they’ll laugh at you. Wait a few several months and you’ll get there again. I promise.

So how do you find the time to take care of yourself? For me, it turned out that when I ditched a habit that wasn’t working for me—binge-watching Grey’s Anatomy for the third time every night before bed—it made it a lot easier to fit in my mindful habits again.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still really difficult for me to stick to these habits, even with trusty accountability partners.

But the important thing I’ve learned is that when I have these basic habits in place, I know I have a solid foundation in place to feel whole in other parts of my life.

Oh, and I should note that I’m starting my daily meditation routine again after listening to this podcast (start at the 2-hour mark).

Take a solo vacation

Yes, I took a solo vacation. No, I didn’t feel mom guilt. And yes, I will do it again in a heartbeat.

After attempting to travel with the kids a few times, my husband and I know that a vacation with the kids is really just the same routine in a more difficult place. So we each booked solo trips this year.

I intended to spend my 6 days and 5 nights away in an Airbnb in Lancaster, checking off a bunch of things from my looming to-do list. I even brought my video equipment to film a few YouTube videos, but the surprising lack of wifi forced me to relax. And that’s an activity that’s pretty difficult for me, but I embraced it on my trip.

The solo vacation allowed me to reconnect with myself as an individual since I didn’t have to play the role of mom and employee. I read, embroidered, wrote, drew, and spent time with friends. And watched a season of TV on Netflix per a friend’s recommendation. Totally worth it.

As a parent, I need to carve out time to connect to my sense of identity. A solo vacation was the perfect solution.

Regular alone time

Noticing a theme here? Oh yeah, I’m a true introvert.

My husband and I worked out an alternating early morning schedule so that we each have a solid 90 minutes of alone time before jumping into the chaotic family routine.

On my days, I wake up at 5 and work—or do whatever the hell I want—from 5 to 6:30 am with a closed door and no interruptions. Except maybe to get coffee (and if you’ve watched my no-caffeine video… spoiler alert… I’m back on coffee).

When my time is up, I’ll emerge from the depths of my office and swap with Chris so he can go out for a run.

We alternate the days. It works out really well: we each get three days of working mornings and three days of workouts.

Clearing visual clutter

I stress the importance of minimalism quite often. I’ll be honest—sometimes minimalism is tough for me to talk about because I’ve followed too many influencers whose minimalism practices become cult-like and downright judgmental. I never want my minimalistic ways to come off as such.

But let me be honest here—I need to keep a visually clutter-free home in order to feel at peace. And yes, this means cleaning up toys every night, making the bed every morning, and picking up random crap that finds its way to kitchen counters and floors on the hour every hour.

My inability to deal with clutter is downright neurotic, but it also keeps me from being stagnant. Plus I get more exercise points on my Apple Watch.

A streamlined home is also important for my husband, so this works out for all of us.

Clean eating

This is a tricky one to approach because nutrition can be a sensitive subject. Please note that if you have disordered eating, you can skip to the next section unscathed.

So, I know “eating clean” looks different for everyone. For a small backstory, I saw holistic doctors starting in late 2020 for that inflammatory issue I mentioned earlier. They took me off a huge list of foods late last year and put me on an extremely restrictive diet.

Like for real, America’s big four was off my list: no wheat, dairy, corn, or soy. And those four things are in most foods, so it makes eating anything in a restaurant really difficult. And then other things like no grains or starches in general (bye-bye rice, oats, white potatoes, and quinoa)… no eggs, no nightshades like tomatoes or peppers, no legumes. The list went on and on.

After my condition started to clear up with the restrictive diet and a boatload of supplements, I started to reintroduce things. I now know that gluten and dairy are total triggers for me, so I have to stay away from them altogether.

But the real benefit? I became more in tune with what foods made me feel good and which ones made me feel bloated, lethargic, and gave me that never-satisfied munchie feeling. Hint hint: corn, potatoes, and foods labeled gluten-free make me feel like crap.

So for me, if I “eat clean,” I feel more mental clarity and I have more energy. Simple as that.

We are human beings, not human doings

Making these lifestyle habits my standard ways of living is my ultimate priority right now. Once I have these down, I feel like I’ll be able to kick into gear again and have the prime mental and physical energy I need to produce at the top of my game.

But in all of this, and perhaps the most important thing: we have to remember that we are human beings, not human doings.

Whether it’s a therapist that has told you this, or if it’s me telling you this now: your self-worth is NOT based on the number of things you check off your to-do list.

Yes, it may feel good to get a lot done, get into flow states with passion projects, and consistently accomplish and publish and create and yadda yadda, but remember to be kind to yourself when your body or mind tells you to slow down and recharge.

What are some things on your self-care list that are musts for you? Let me know in the comments below.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading this incredibly self-indulgent post. I hope it helped you feel like you’re not alone and gave you some tips along the way, too.