On burnout and your (loss of) personal identity
Many new parents, especially new moms, go from being whole, intelligent, vibrant human beings to… [Insert your child’s name here]’s Mom.
This is a shattering shift.
In our culture, it’s normal to say, “It’s tough… but being a parent is the most rewarding thing EVER.” In fact, you HAVE to share your parenting frustration with conditionals, or else people wonder if they need to call in the authorities.
It’s not okay for us to say, “It’s tough, and I think I made a huge mistake becoming a parent.” But in the more vulnerable, transparent conversations I have with moms, the more I realize many of us think the latter. Often. (And then we superstitiously cross our fingers and our hearts and hope The Universe didn’t hear us and realize we’re kind of sort of joking.)
But this sense of dread isn’t simply the frustration of being a parent to a child. In many instances, it comes from the fact that in our society, parents (especially mothers), are expected to give up everything else in order to be Good.
Loss of identity leads to burnout
This surrendering of self leads a loss of identity, which leads to burnout. You know you’re burnt out when you go through your daily life like Robot Mom and avoid deep human interaction for fear your miserableness will spread to others (amongst many other things). But what do we do about it?
Assess where you invest
In investigating my own burnout at my full-time job, my company said in a podcast that over-investing your identity in work, whether in time or energy or emotions, can lead to burnout. Further, by prioritizing your personal life and protecting it can help you keep a healthy, balanced perspective on everything.
The same is true for personhood and parenthood. Over-investing yourself in being the parent to your children can lead to burnout, especially if it’s compounded by extra roles you play: Employee, elderly caregiver, volunteer, etc.
“Balance” is talked about as a see-saw: A two-pronged approach with work versus life. But, we’re more complex than that.
Self-care should be your baseline
Work-life balance is not just about prioritizing your self-care. That’s an over-simplified approach. Self-care doesn’t begin to cover a level of personhood that leads to fulfillment. Self-care should be your baseline: Get your full night's sleep, and exercise regularly. Eat food and try to make it healthy. Try not to drown yourself in your escapism method of choice.
What else to factor in to avoid burnout
So, this “balance” that we talk about? Let’s take it one step further. Prioritize a thing that makes you, YOU. Find a weird 3-person see-saw (they exist). Bring in the 4-burner stove metaphor. And hey, modern stoves have like 5 or 6 burners right now.
I’m not putting up my fist into the air and saying that women can ✨ Have It All ✨. It takes a lot to juggle multiple priorities, especially when one relies on you to keep him alive, or when another gives you the foundation to survive via a paycheck.
Play in your identity and purpose to find balance
👉 In rediscovering your sense of identity, you will be a better mother. A better employee. A happier, more well-rounded person. 👈
And that’s the point, folks. Like Glennon Doyle’s says in Untamed, “a responsible mother is not one who slowly dies for her children, but one who shows them how to fully live.” (Thanks Emily for the rec.)
The steps to re-establish your personal identity
So how do we juggle and regain our sense of personhood? I recommend this:
First, reestablish your self-care baseline. You can’t get it together if you’re not sleeping enough, bathing, feeding yourself, and hopefully getting some form of exercise (even if it’s chasing your kids around). Ask for help where needed (easier said than done, I know), and/or find or hire that village that they say we need to raise our kids. (Note, for parents in the first year… this will come back eventually, I promise.)
Second, identify your thing. Also easier said than done, but try to remember what that was for you. Is it your social life? A creative hobby? Going to live events? For me, that’s this—the content you’re reading right now. And if I’m being real with myself: While I’ve posted some things since 2016, the year I went from Jenn to Mama (Mama! Mama! Mamaaa!), I haven’t done anything significant here since then. No wonder I feel lost and burnt out. Even though I’ve managed to fight for, win, and maintain my self-care baseline, my strong sense of identity was lost in the shuffle of parenting and work, and complicated by a smattering of illnesses.
Third, identify what gives. Right. Like I mentioned above, we can’t truly have it all… but we can give and take here and there. Can you take off one night per week? Can you shift your workout schedule to every other day instead of daily? Can you get up an hour earlier (after you’ve gotten your solid night’s sleep)?
Fourth, test and iterate. Make your thing top of mind. Remind yourself why it matters to you, and make time, space, and energy to do it. Put it on your bathroom mirror if you have to. Fit it into your schedule, and readjust the cadence as needed.
It won’t be perfect and it won’t be easy, but you know it’s working when you start to light up again.
The keys?
Still, avoid hustle culture. Remember, self-care is your baseline
Avoid becoming too invested in one thing that causes resentment in other(s)
Be present in everything you do. Learn to compartmentalize
Your turn to share in the comments below, if you feel compelled. Whether you’re a parent or not: Have you lost yourself in XYZ thing that contributes to the feeling of a loss of identity? What can you do to bring that back in a small way? In a big way?
